In Concert: ConTemporal 2013

by Tom Smith

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about

Recorded live at ConTemporal, Raleigh, NC, June 27, 2013

This was a splendid little convention, mostly steampunk but they seemed to put up with me quite well. This was the GoH Banquet concert on Thursday evening. Note that I was actually supposed to be there in 2012, but my van died a week before the con. However, I Skyped 'em a concert. This year, I finally made it.

credits

released August 11, 2013

Cover Art: Lar deSouza ( lartist.com )

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about

Tom Smith Ann Arbor

Weird Al with more books, JoCo with more jokes, Carlin with more Cthulhu. Since 1985, Tom Smith has been breaking hearts, minds, and laws of propriety and physics with his insane blend of sf/fantasy, Life With Computers, pop culture, politics, and puns. More than twenty albums later, he maintains the best is yet to come. ... more

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Track Name: A George Carlin Song
I sent my sinuses to Arizona,
I sent my liver to Peru,
I sent my lungs and my kidney for the summer to Sydney,
But I'm sendin' my heart to you....
Track Name: Smash the Frickin' Fairies
There's a fairy grove in my back yard,
I found it just last night.
And the fairies come to have some fun
In the silvery moonlight
They're lovelier than anything
That you have ever seen
And when you smash them with a brick
Their blood's all thick and green.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Bash 'em in the head.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Giggly sparkly fairies,
Dumbass tiny fairies,
Make them suckers dead.

Stupid little fairies
Come to dance and sing,
Hang 'em from my nipples,
Now they're fairy bling.
Tiny little wingspan,
See how cute they are,
Press 'em in a phone book,
Tape 'em to my car.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tacky goofy fairies,
Cutesy Wootsy fairies,
I don't wanna stop.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tinkly stinkly fairies,
Poopy stoopy fairies,
Squeeze 'em till they pop.

Who cares about their ancient magic,
Who cares about their hidden lore,
I just like the way they go stiff then go limp
When you catch their heads in a door.

Who cares about their timeless beauty
Who cares if their existence is a shock
I took pictures of them posed with my Dominatrix Barbie
And my eBay shop can't keep 'em in stock

Some people see the fairies and
Their hearts and souls are moved,
I tie them to bowling pins,
My average has improved.
Fishing isn't boring since I
Use them now for bait,
They're also good as shredded cheese,
Their life is really grate.

The fairies joined together
Came to each other's aid
Too bad I had a shotgun
And a big ol' can of Raid
So now they're really frightened,
They're sad and mad and vexed,
And when I take the fairies down
The Hobbits all are next!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Dainty pretty fairies,
Gaudy bawdy fairies,
Crush them under trains.
Anvil at the ready,
Drop it on their head-ee,
Bring in some undead-ee,
ZOMBIE FAIRY BRAINS!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Stupid cutesy fairies,
Icky nasty fairies,
Bust their little heads.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Fill their cemetaries,
Then I woke up, Doctor,
Can you please adjust my meds?
Track Name: Denver Does Elvis
Well, it's one for the money,
And two for the show,
Three to get ready,
Now, go, kitten, go,
And don't you... step on my blue suede shoes,
You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes....
Track Name: Tech Support For Dad
It had been a long-ass work week, it had been a long-ass day,
I was hoping I could just go home and sleep the night away.
But the message waiting for me was the worst a man could know:
"Hi there, son, could you call me back? My computer's running slow."

There are bamboo shoots and water torture, German blondes named Gert,
Films with Adam Sandler and lots of other things that hurt,
But it's not my job or girlfriend that finally drove me mad,
I've been on the phone long-distance doing tech support for Dad.

It took seven tries to get him to the Start menu and Run,
He had Bonzi Buddy, Comet Cursor, and Quicktime 3.1.
I said I'd try to find out if his firewall had been breached,
Turned out he'd bought his Compaq before Clinton was impeached.

Service packs and driver updates, he needs every single thing,
And he gets online by dial-up, so we might be done by spring,
But he trusts that I can fix it, his beloved college grad,
Never mind it was in Russian, now I'm tech support for Dad.

After thirty seven reboots, and a dozen clean installs,
My room is trashed, my plants are dead, and there's green slime on the walls
But his 'puter's running smoothly, I can finally get away,
When he says, "Oh, yeah, son, one more thing -- how do you sell stuff on eBay?"

Here's a pox on all programmers, puttin' crapware on your shelves,
May you have to teach your programs to your dads by phone yourselves,
There's the Normandy Invasion, and the Siege of Leningrad,
And the special hell filling in for Dell as tech support for Dad.

Now I've built him a computer, nothing can get in or out,
The firewall's adamantium, and the drives are sealed with grout,
And if this one starts to run slow, well, that's just too damn bad,
'Cause I'd rather shave my eyeballs than do tech support for Dad.
Tech support for Dad.
Tech support for Dad.
"Hang on, son -- your mom wants to know how to set up a web page."
Track Name: Two Guys Kissin' Ruined My Life
I was sittin' at home the other day
Beer in hand, pizza on the way,
An' Turner Classic Movies -- not Turner and Hooch.

Christopher Reeve and Michael Caine
Were drivin' Dyan Cannon insane,
But after they killed her, I saw the two of 'em smooch.

I hadn't felt so weird since I was young,
I'm not sure but I think there mighta been tongue,
And I didn't understand -- they both were men!

Then a voice in my head said, "Yeah, so what?"
And I noticed Chris had a real nice butt
And I knew I was never gonna be the same again.

Well, I walked the straight and narrow,
But now it's a little bent,
I used to be full hetero,
I wonder where that went,
Have to quit being a Scoutmaster,
And I have to leave my wife,
Two guys kissin' ruined my life.

I shook my head and I changed the channel
And saw some guy in a cap and flannel
Singin' he was a lumberjack and he was okay

I kept on surfin', got Brokeback Mountain,
Rocky Horror, The Birdcage, and I stopped countin'
When I got to Bravo and the whole damn network was gay.

I sat and I squirmed with the funniest feelin',
I figured I needed some sexual healin',
But that was by MARVIN Gaye, oh, my achin' head.

I'd'a sworn I was straight till I saw that kissin',
But it'd shown me somethin' I'd been missin' --
I'd ruled out half of humanity sharin' my bed.

The techniques all look normal,
But the details are kinda weird,
Does a moustache act like velcro
When it runs into a beard?
Agonizin' reappraisal
Has caused me endless strife,
Two guys kissin' ruined my life.

The internet and magazines, and every film and book,
This slashy stuff is all I'm seein' everywhere I look,
When football players watch each other, it seems more intense
And all that Harry/Draco stuff is starting to make sense.

Each time I thought about it, I wondered, should I try
To have a close encounter with another horny guy?
'Cause it would still be cheatin' on my wife, I'm pretty sure,
I could tell her "It ain't another woman" -- but it sure as heck ain't her.

Then my mouth wrote a check I couldn't afford,
We were watchin' the People's Choice Awards,
With Hugh Jackman and Jude Law gettin' touchy-feely.

I said, "Yeah, I bet they're the People Choice,
Even I might like kissin' one o' them boys,"
And my wife said in a sultry voice, "Really?"

Since then our love life is frickin' unreal,
We've learned to share and say what we feel,
She tells me her fantasies, I tell her mine.

It's more romance than we've ever had,
But there is one thing that makes me mad --
I've gotten addicted to Queer Eye and Top Design.

My NASCAR buddies shun me,
And my parish said "Goodbye",
But the gals down at the office
Think I'm their kinda guy,
I've lost all my machismo,
With acceptance I am rife,
Two guys kissin' ruined my life.
Two guys kissin' ruined my life --
'Bout time.
Track Name: Dead Potters
Dead Potters,
Dead Potters,
Dead Potters aren't much fun.

Mom won't answer when you Owl her,
Dad'll never send a Howler,
Dead Potters aren't much fun.

The Potters died to end the war,
Thanks a heap, Dumbledore,
Dead Potters aren't much fun, no, no, no.

So for Lily, and for James,
Harry will kill He-Who-Mustn't-Be-Named,
Dead Potters aren't much fuh-uh-uh-un.

Dead Potters,
Dead Potters,
Dead Potters aren't much fun.

C'mon, everybody, let 'em hear you in the Astronomy Tower!

Dead Potters,
Dead Potters,
Dead Potters aren't much fun.

One more time, for Lucius Malfoy!

Dead Potters,
Dead Potters,
Dead Potters aren't much fun.
Track Name: Hey, It's Can(n)on
Ye've read the Harry Potter books, ye think ye know 'em through
But there's something that ye may not know, and here's a little clue:
The female of the Trio has her birthday on
Talk Like A Pirate Day so heads up, Harry and Ron!

When she found out, her eyes she rolled, an' she went on knittin' socks,
But Harry said, "I've got the gold, let's head down to the docks,"
They traded lots o' Galleons for a lovely brigantine,
And now they're her young stallions and she's a pirate queen!

Come here, ye lads and lasses, I tell ye, she's the one,
Give a cheer and raise yer glasses, but not till class is done
Though she's only seventeen, she's smarter than Dumbledore,
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!

Her white shirt and black leather they complement her eyes,
A red sash brings it t'gether (and the boots half up her thighs)
Cap'n Hook's a fan and Jack Sparrow thinks it's great,
It's in the books, it's canon, so let's all celebrate!

Hoist the mainsil', wind the capstan, give it all ye got,
The firewhiskey and th' captain both are really hot,
Here's a Happy Birthday to the girl that we adore,
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!

She taxidermied Pettigrew, and on the bridge he sat,
'Cause after all, she told the crew, what ship ain't got a rat?
She Incarcerous'd young Malfoy so he could not escape,
And one Petrificus later, she made him walk the Snape!

Dolohov she'll finish off, and Bellatrix she'll foil,
Lucius'll land in Azkaban and likewise Crabbe and Goyle,
She laughs at danger, thinks it's keen -- bring on Voldemor -- TT!
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!

Now here's the part we talk about with whom she's lockin' lips,
'Cause after all, a pirate queen has got to have her 'ships,
Some say Harry's her true love, or Ron she will betroth,
She finally cried, "I can't decide, I'll have to have 'em both!"

Who's the sassy bossy witch that all the boys pursue?
Grander than the Golden Snitch and more elusive too.
One may Seeker, one may Keeper, both know how to score, with
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!

And so the Seven Seas she sails, in deadly hot pursuit
of getting perfect O.W.L.s and aceing every N.E.W.T.
Some think she's just a bookworm, but I am here ta say
She's got this pirate thing down cold every natal day!

Come here, ye lads and lasses, I tell ye, she's the one,
Give a cheer and raise yer glasses, but not till class is done
She'll go down in history, the one we're singin' for,
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!
Track Name: Honey-Glazed Ham
See the tree, how big it's grown
Since I have lived here on my own,
And it's been good,
Since Christopher began his fun
And brought us all to live in Hun-
Dred Acre Wood.

Well, I came home today to stretch
Before the mirror, and then fetch
My hunny-pot.
Now, I'm a simple-minded bear,
But I know there was hunny there,
And now there's not.

And Hunny, I miss you,
You left without a sound,
Wait! What's at the bottom?
-- Oh, bother. Piglet drowned.
Track Name: Makin' Buddha's Hard To Do
Karma Karma Omm Dooby-Doo Tao Tao,
Karma Karma Omm Dooby-Doo Tao Tao,
Karma Karma Omm Dooby-Doo Tao Tao,
Making Buddha... is hard to do.

Your journey starts with just one step,
Try to find one that's cool and hep,
Frug, moonwalk, or boogaloo,
'Cause making Buddha's hard to do.

Stand on your head, you'll see visions when
You're deprived of your oxygen,
All while doing yoga, too,
'Cause making Buddha's hard to do.

They say that making Buddha's hard to do,
Let me tell you, that isn't true.
Relax, don't try to fight,
Just scan the tantra, chant the mantra,
Rant and pant until you can't.

We've got a plan for losing weight --
Diet, exercise and levitate.
There's Astral Plane, and Peanut, too,
'Cause making Buddha's hard to do.

Your path will change, but don't ask how,
That was Zen, and this is Tao,
And Lao-Tse puns you'll suffer through,
'Cause making Buddha's hard to do.

They say that making Buddha's hard to do,
Let me tell you, there can't be two.
Seek your own inner light,
And play the Wheel of Fortune right,
And you could meet Nir-Vanna White.

Open your mind, but shut down your brains,
Soon you'll find that Confucian reigns.
Just live your life like Winnie-the-Pooh,
And making Buddha's not hard to do.

You've found release, let your spirit grow,
This life down and the rest to go,
Unless what Falwell says is true,
And making Buddha's hard to do.

Dooby-doo Tao Tao,
Karma Karma Omm Dooby-Doo Tao Tao,
Karma Karma Omm Dooby-Doo Tao Tao,
Making Buddha's hard to -- one more incarnation!

Omm Dooby-doo Tao Tao,
Karma Karma Omm Dooby-Doo Tao Tao,
Karma Karma Omm Dooby-Doo Tao Tao,
Making Buddha's hard to do!
Track Name: The Cthulhu Colada Song
I was tired of my lady,
Other people as well.
In fact, if I had the power,
I'd send them all to Hell.
So I traveled to Arkham,
Got a library card,
Took out a book on black magic
By Abdul Al-Azrhad.

IA CTHULHU FHTAGN
If you can say this refrain,
If you can look at the Old Ones
And still have half your brain,
If you like casting spells at midnight
Wearing only a cape,
Then your master's in R'lyeh,
Chant this spell, he'll escape.
Track Name: I Had A Shoggoth
I had a shoggoth, he pleased me,
But drove me to insanity.
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a minion, he pleased me,
Got victims for my laboratory.
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a zombie, he pleased me,
With his decaying anatomy.
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a werewolf, he pleased me,
Devoured every cat he'd see.
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a mummy, he pleased me,
And taught me Egyptology.
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went ABBY SOMEBODY
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a hunchback, he pleased me,
Got Esmerelda sanctuary.
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went RRUWF RRUWF
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a vampire, he pleased me,
But at my parties he wouldn't drink... tea.
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMM... DONUTS
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went IT'S STILL WARM
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had an Old One, he pleased me,
In R'lyeh sunk beneath the sea.
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Cylon, he pleased me,
But then he turned into a she.
Cylon went BY YOUR COMMAND
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT, SHUT UP!
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went CHEETOS
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Dalek, he pleased me,
But stairs would make him really cranky.
Dalek went EXTERMINATE
Cylon went BY YOUR COMMAND
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HERE KITTY KITTY
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went NOT THE RED ONE!
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Sith Lord, he pleased me,
But I hated his prequel trilogy.
Vader went KHSHHHHH-HHHOSHHHHH
Dalek went EXTERMINATE
Cylon went DOES THIS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
Cthulhu went BLUGGA BLUGGA BLUGGA
Vampire went GOOD EVEN-ING
Hunchback went THE BELLS
Mummy went MMMMMMMMMMM
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL
Zombie went BRAAAINNNZZZ
Minion went YES, MASTER
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had a Dark Lord, he pleased me,
But he couldn't beat Harry and Hermione.
Riddle went ... HERMIONE AND RON!?
Vader went BLACK GOES WITH EVERYTHING
Dalek went IT IS NOT A TOILET PLUNGER
Cylon went I FEEL PRETTY
Cthulhu went PFAGH! Calimari....
Vampire went TWELVE BEAUTIFUL VERSES
Hunchback went CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
Mummy went I AM STUCK ON BAND-AIDS, 'CAUSE BAND-AIDS STUCK ON ME
Werewolf went HOWWWWWWL ME OF LONDON
Zombie went NOT EAT EYES
Minion went WHAT HUMP?
Shoggoth went TEKELI-LI

I had Galactus, he pleased me,
But he ate my planet casually.
Galactus went CHOMP.
Track Name: 307 Ale
There's many drinks you'll drink, me lads, on every world that's new.
There's Saurian Brandy, Cranapple Schnapps, and a good old Tullamore Don't.
There's Busch and Beck and Bud and Bock and others dark and pale,
But I think you'll find the finest kind is Three-Oh-Seven Ale.

(chorus)
Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads, Three-Oh-Seven Ale,
The finest drink that any bar has ever had for sale,
It'll lay your whole damn world to waste, it'll make you fit and hale,
There's nothing that you'll ever taste like Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads,
Three-Oh-Seven Ale.

It started out at M.I.T. one lazy summer day,
When a couple of the frat-boy techies started in to play,
They'd caught up on their schedule with a couple hours to kill,
So they fitted up the cyclotron and made themselves a still.

(chorus)

They added choice ingredients to brew a little brew,
But they didn't know the wires were crossed in Chamber Number Two.
A tiny bit of space got folded, things were looking queer --
They turned the spout and then came out the world's first Hyper-Beer.

(chorus)

It bubbled and it burbled and it glowed a fizzly green,
And what it did to test equipment, frankly, was obscene.
It took awhile to find a vial it wouldn't burst to flame,
Then they measured out its potency, and that's how it was named.

(slower)
There's many drinks you'll drink, me lads, but this one beats them all:
One hundred fifty-three and one-half percent alcohol,
A beer, brewed in a tesseract, that'll shoot you through the roof --
And if you don't believe me, I've got lots and lots of proof.

(final chorus)
Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads, Three-Oh-Seven Ale,
The finest drink that any bar has ever had for sale,
It'll lay your whole damn world to waste, it'll make you fit and hale,
It sticks to your mouth like library paste,
With a stronger kick than toxic waste,
There's nothing that you'll ever taste
Like Three-Oh-Seven Ale!
Track Name: Rocket Ride
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,
Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried.
There ain't no living on planet-side,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.

How many cities crumble into dust
At the first atomic attack?
How many self-aware, wise, and just
Computers will we have to hack?

How many supercars will turn to rust
'Cause we don't have a spare or a jack?
Give me technology we can trust,
And give it fins like a Cadillac.

I want a shining tower of glass and steel,
A rubber jumpsuit and a freeze-dried meal,
The will to survive, the need to explore,
The love of adventure, who could ask for more?

I want you, baby, right by my side,
Help me get out before my brain is fried.
The stars are waiting, so big and wide,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.

How many demons out in cyberspace
Will possess every hacker's will?
How many members of a master race
Will come closing in for the kill?

How many xenomorphs will change their face,
And then hunt us down for a thrill?
Give me a villain with style and grace,
And a little bit of fencing skill.

They used to be angular, sneering and bald,
If someone got killed even they were appalled,
They tried to marry the heroine, no thought of rape,
And they sure as hell knew how to wear a cape.

They never tortured, they never lied,
They'd honor a promise if it meant they died.
Let's find a villain with professional pride,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.

Terminators, Life Force, Robot Jox, Predators,
Lots of things that know how to flense,
Defenestrate 'em out the doors, gimme gimme Star Wars,
Bring back the Children of the Lens.

Puppet Master, Child's Play, Fright Night, Judgment Day,
Jason, Freddy, Michael, and Stripe,
Let Frankenstein, Ardeth Bey, and Kong chase them all away,
The Movie Snatchers' pods are overripe.

I want more than action and special effects,
To think about what might happen next,
A hero, not a weapons shop with pecs,
A heroine, not an excuse for sex.

I want a bubble helmet matting down my hair,
The ground giving way to the open air,
The joy and wonder as I head out there,
And I know I can have it, if I only dare.

How many bodybuilding macho jerks
Will blow everything full of holes?
How many imitation Captain Kirks
Will spill beer on the ship's controls?

How many stupid personality quirks
Will we see instead of souls?
Give me my baby and a ship that works,
And give us the starring roles.

I want to cruise the galaxy at FTL,
Pursuing Heaven and defying Hell,
I want to do everything that a man can do,
And I want to do it all out there with you.

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,
Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried.
There ain't no living on planet-side,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,
Nothing worth doing that I haven't tried.
There ain't no living on planet-side,
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.
Come on with me, baby, on a rocket ride.